I Am
by T2 Angel
Summary: He is barely hanging on to life. She won't leave his side. What truths come forward as Faye sits at the bedside of the broken Spike? One-Shot.


**I Am…**

"_Why do you have to go? Where are you going? What are you going to do?!" She turned and yelled, "JUST THROW YOUR LIFE AWAY LIKE IT WAS NOTHING?!"_

_He, calmly, answered her, "I'm not going there to die… I'm going to find out if I'm actually alive. I have to do it, Faye."_

That was three months ago.

And he'd been knocking on death's door ever since.

The fear was he would get an answer sooner rather than later.

Since they found him lying in his own blood in the remnants of the Red Dragon headquarters, Faye hadn't left his side. They took him to the hospital and she hadn't left him. The nurses offered her their own gym shower when she needed to but she never left the hospital. Jet came by every day, staying from morning until night… sometimes, he wouldn't leave either. But he would often go do odd jobs to help pay for the hospital but, other than that, he was always there for, who even he had to admit now, his best friend.

They found him just hours after his assault on the Red Dragons headquarters. With no leadership, the syndicate quickly disbanded, those who had any kind of authority starting their own gangs around Mars.

But they were all leaving Spike alone.

He fought the entire Syndicate, killed Vicious, and, even if barely, he survived. He earned their respect and a small amount of fear.

It's not like they had any reason to go after him. He was no threat to anyone in his current state. He had been touch and go for the past three months. Sometimes, it looked like he was going to take a turn for the worst but, by some miracle, he would bring himself back from the brink and the doctors found it alright to keep him on the machines. They often scratched their heads at how he was still alive. Faye and Jet both said it was because he was too stubborn to die.

He was bandaged, pretty much from head to toe; not that uncommon for him. She'd seen him like this before and it worried her then, though she knew better than to let him see that. But this time was way different; he was a lot closer to dying than he ever was before.

And, this time… she couldn't hide her concern. She couldn't figure out any coy remarks or snide comments to disguise her pain. As she looked at this man who became her friend and, in her heart so much more, barely breathe on his own, she was scared to death she wouldn't see his chest rise again after he exhaled.

She kept replaying their last conversation in her mind over and over. Her feelings that day were the strongest she had ever felt. Even stronger than when her memories came back.

She knew what they were.

And she hated it.

She hated it… because she couldn't admit those feelings to him. Maybe he would've stopped. Maybe if she had said those three words instead of firing her gun in the _Bebop_, he wouldn't be near death right now.

She looked up at him, tears in her eyes. She opened her mouth… knowing he couldn't see her but she couldn't stop herself from talking either.

"Did you find out, Spike? Did you find out if you were actually alive?"

She couldn't explain why… but she was actually waiting for an answer.

"Because you were to me…" She paused. "You _are_… to me…"

Her tears started to flow again. She hated all this crying. Especially over this jacka… over her friend…

"…you were one of the few things I still had… the most important one…" She leaned closer. "I was alive… because of you…"

She got up and leaned close to his ear. She sniffed, choking down his tears.

"Please… don't die, Spike… I… I need you… I'm… I am only alive… when I'm around you."

She paused.

"I lied…" she admitted. "It was more than just the _Bebop_ I had to come back to… I only had you… to come back to… Please… please, wake up… please… just wake up…" She let herself cry some more… "Just… wake up…"

She looked at him, hoping he heard her. Hoping he would wake up soon.

Days went by. And no change. But she never left. There were moments where she could even hear the hospital staff wondering why she was still there, why she didn't just let him go. But she didn't care about them or anyone.

She cared about him. Just him.

She couldn't believe how much she cared… but she couldn't stop it either. She wouldn't leave… nothing would make her. She would only leave when he left, whether that meant he was alive when left or in a body bag.

One night, while Faye was asleep leaning on the hospital bed, holding on to Spike's hand… she heard something.

Someone talking.

She looked up and saw Spike looking at her.

It made her heart skip a beat. "Spike?" she asked.

His mouth was moving. He was trying to speak.

"What?"

He realized he couldn't hear her. So… he motioned toward his face.

She looked at the oxygen mask, which was helping him breath. "The mask? You want me to move it?"

He nodded ever so slightly.

"Spike, I can't! You need…"

He stared at her. Telling her to do this. He had something to say.

She got caught by those eyes again. Those stupid eyes of his that had a hold on her for a long time now. One was fake… one was real. Was he still seeing patches of reality? Was he seeing the full picture now?

Regardless, she complied. "Alright…" She cautiously reached up and lowered his oxygen mask, being very careful as she did so. She lowered it just under his chin. "Spike?"

He was still whispering something.

She leaned closer…

"I am…" he was saying.

"What? What are you?"

"I am… alive… Faye…"

She almost wept immediately. She had to choke down her tears though her eyes did well up. "Spike…"

"And I… don't have to… search… anymore…" He managed a smirk. "I'm alive… I know it…"

She wrapped her arms around him and cried. It was a loud cry; she didn't care.

"Faye… are you crying?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

She sniffed and looked at him. "Because if you ever do something so incredibly stupid like that again, I'll kill you myself."

He smiled, "It's a bet."

"I'm serious!"

He paused. "I believe you."

Silence came into the room as they studied each other's faces.

Faye was never an easy woman for Spike to read. But… now that he survived that harrowing experience… he could admit that she was worth the time it took to figure her out. He always had the ghost of Julia hanging over him… but now… he really didn't have anything in his past to hold him back. And Faye wasn't that bad… once you got to know her.

She looked over his face… that stupid… macho, pig headed… too-damned-handsome face of his… and she was going back and forth in her mind about what to do in this situation. She had almost lost him… and she is very emotional right now. Eventually… she made a decision… they'd both get over it. "Oh, screw it…" She kissed him, holding nothing back.

Her kiss really confirmed it for him… Spike knew he was alive now more than ever.

She backed up and looked into his eyes, keeping her hand on the side of his face… "I'm serious. You go on a suicide mission like that… I'll find you… stab you in both arms and shoot you in both legs… and that's for starters…"

He smirked. "I didn't know you cared."

"Wait 'til I get going." She stopped. Were his eyes really that gorgeous or was it just this moment? It didn't matter. What did matter is that she had something to say to him. Something she meant to say three months ago… the night he almost died. "And there's one more thing I have to tell you that if you make fun of me for, so help me, I'll kill you now…"

"What?"

She exhaled… "I love you, you idiot."

Spike just stared at her. He smiled, "You admit you love me and call me 'idiot' in the same sentence?"

"Get used to it." Her voice came out soft… "I'm not going anywhere…"

He chuckled lightly. "This may surprise you to hear…"

She held her breath wondering what he was going to say next.

"I can live with that."

She couldn't believe it. But it was a relief. She exhaled again and rested her head on his shoulder. She really didn't care if he didn't feel the same way… if he could live with it, so could…

"Easy… since I love you, too…"

Faye gasped. Did she hear that right? Did he actually just say that? She looked back at the injured cowboy. "What… what did…?"

"You're not deaf."

She looked at him… she could see it… he meant that… at least… she is pretty sure he did… "Spike… if you're screwing with me… I swear… you'll wish the Red Dragons _had_ killed you…"

"No jokes. No sarcasm. Nothing like that. Not this time. I'm serious."

Faye looked at him, still in shock… and slight disbelief.

"My past is over, Faye… it's gone. Finally. I'm not seeing patches of reality anymore… I've cleared it all up. I'm seeing the present all the time now." He smiled. "I see you… after all…"

She fell harder for him with every word. She found it unbelievable Spike could be poetic. Still… she is Faye Valentine. And she wasn't going to let him forget that anytime soon. "God… could you be more corny?"

"I thought it was good. You didn't like it?"

She stared at him. "I didn't say that…" She hugged him. "I mean it, though… don't do that again…"

"I won't." He raised one arm to hug her back. "I don't have to anymore…"

She thought she lost him. He wasn't sure if there was anything to find. Two broken people have found that now they can go from 'I am' to 'we are.'

* * *

**A/N: Hope you guys enjoyed it! Reviews, please! I love those!  
**


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